Gratitude

I'm afraid to write about
the things I'm feeling anymore
to admit defeat is harder
than all that I've done before
my pen has been silent
not because the words won't come
I've fought them off by any means
just to avoid emotions

sometimes I get the feeling that
what I say no one hears 
and my voice isn't strong enough
to be worthy of human ears
so I watch tv and look for
anything to slow my thoughts
but no matter how I hide
the spinning wheel never stops

I dream about the kind of person
that I might have been
if only I had had support
from family and friends
but I've found that even when
I am feeling so alone
my stereo can soothe me with
words that came through microphones

I can feel so overwhelmed
from PTSD bullshit
it can be so hard for me
to let anyone else in
or change the idea  I have
that love is just too dangerous
usually it is because
I'm bad at knowing who to trust

I don't eat or sleep enough
I'm trying to feel worthy
and finally stop the bleeding from
the wounds from those who've hurt me
and I find strength in poetry
artfully set to the music
uniting body, mind and soul
as I sing and move to it

now I'm feeling gratitude
for all the pens and paper
expressing all of the attitudes
that my self can relate with
I know I can't avoid it now
so I sit down and write
for strangers who are struggling
with lonely thoughts.... awake all night