wake down

wake down
something's changing now
my dreams are speaking for me
what I could not say out loud
and what I fear the most in life
are things that I endure
how can I be so certain
when you're still so unsure
and tonight I'll sleep between the walls
that you and I once shared
remembering the ways in which
you showed me that you cared
tomorrow I'll pick up and leave
to live beside the creek
to find the independence
and the peace of mind I seek
and I'm proud of you for all the
opportunities you've found
and hoping that you'll want to
stay with me when you're around
I know I can't hold onto you
'cause you'll be here and gone
and our love's just a detour from
the road that you are on
but just to have that moment
when you look into my eyes
and see through protective layers
that I wear for my disguise
and undernieth the callouses
a tender heart still thrives
in hopes that we'll be friends
for the remainder of our lives

precious

the life you hold is innocent
her mind is still so pure
all she has to live on
is what you will give to her
and you're yelling at her father
to be heard over the sound
of the TV that will raise her
when you can not be around
so I say a little prayer for her
that she will grow up strong
and not become the parents
who've already done her wrong



My upstairs neighbors delivered their new daughter only days ago. I can't even stand to live beneath these people, and she will have to grow up in that environment. I couldn't help thinking as I lied there trying to rest through the cacophony that is their daily routine that she ought to be experiencing the nurturing tenderness that my dog was receiving from me at the time. Instead she was surrounded by the energy of people who disrespect themselves and everyone around them for no other reason than that they lack the sensibilities to value themselves. What a way to start life.

the way it goes....

the summer air is sticky
I lie naked in my bed
I'd like to sleep, but I can't stop
the noise that's in my head
trying to make sense out of
the words that you have said
not sure that I was hungry for
the things that I've been fed

our bodies were electrical
and everything seemed right
I started to feel skeptical
when you changed over night
now thoughts that once brought warmth to me
cause shivers deep inside
you said you didn't play these games
it seems now that you lied

and because I never knew you
I'm not sure who I miss
or how you faked the passion
that I felt there in your kiss
your gentle eyes seem hardened now
they've turned from blue to gray
and when I tried to read them
they just turned and looked away

and comfort was a side effect
that wasn't meant to be
and you were looking outside
when I thought you saw inside of me
and silence is the answer
to every qustion that I ask
'cause where I saw a future
there was nothing but the past

and I know this feeling's common
but it never hurts the same
every lover is unique
in how they cause you pain
and I always seem to fall behind
so now I'll leave the race
there's no chance left at winning
and no hope of saving face

but loneliness is something
that I'll just need to embrace
'cause I've so much potential
that I wouldn't want to waste
and if you haven't seen it then
I guess that you're just blind
and wishing that you cared for me
is just a waste of time

so here I'm moving forward
trying not to look behind
purging all the toxic thoughts
poisoning my mind
and sighing deep will help release
the heaviness I've felt
I'll try to make a winning hand
from what cards I've been dealt

and I hope that you'll find happiness
in all the things you choose
with nothing to hold onto
you've got nothing to lose
and you don't have to worry 'bout
anybodies thoughts
on all the things that make you you
and all the things that you are not

and I saw something worthy
but the way that you behaved
makes me see you don't deserve me
and it seems to me a shame
'cause there were good times to be had
that we will never know
and though it kinda makes me sad
I guess that's just the way it goes.





The above poem was written late last night/early this morning. Upon further reflection I have to say that honestly I have brought all my suffering upon myself. I have hurt people in my life and acted selfishly and betrayed trust. When I write poems like these and endulge in self pitty I am just playing the victum while avoiding my own responsibility for my loneliness. Yes, there are times when I can no longer distract my observational skills from turning inward, and I don't always like what I see in there. It reminds me of a poem I wrote about a year ago when this whole cycle was originally set into motion:


the universe is a poet
our lives are it's words
the beauty we put into it
is given in return
and the hurt that we cause others
we inflict upon ourselves
the wrongs that have been done to us
we've done to someone else
it's not exactly karma
it's poetic irony
a cosmic sense of humor
manipulating energy