choices....

The other night I stayed at work late to help a group of Somoan Christians schedule the classes they needed to take to spread the word of god by way of public access television. They were greatful to me for staying, and said to me: "may god bless you with many children."
"Please take that back." I said. I was given a very peculiar look, so I decided to clarify..."I don't want children." The man who had offered the blessing looked at me like I was the devil and, disgusted, said "that's a horrible thing to say."

A year ago, I was staring down the barrel of the whole marriage and kids thing. I thought about my goals, my personality, my desires, my ethics.... and I made a choice. This is not what I want to do with my life. Since then I have heard time and time again that the timing just wasn't right... that if I met the right person I'd change my mind. I have one friend who just refuses to accept this choice, waving me off every time I try to tell her I'm serious. When I went to her second baby shower a couple weeks ago, I realized that she will never respect my choice, and unfortunately, that leaves us with little to relate to one another about.

Commenting on how well I take care of my dog, my apartment manager tells me: "you'll make a great mother some day." Again I said "no thanks" and was met with the ol' "that will change" response. Yes I recognize that as I approach my thirties, my body will increasingly send maternal messages to my brain. I see this as nothing more than chemical propaganda. Isn't our ability to over-ride our instincts with logical thought processes the thing that distinguishes us from other animals? I mean.... if I listened to my hormones every time they told me to do something, I'd fuck every hot guy I ever met, and rip into every unfortunate soul who irritated me when I was PMSing. It's not like I am exempt from maternal feelings. I have just found that the best way for me to vent my need for taking care of something is to be a good pet-owner, and a nurturing friend to the ones I love.

So if I were to listen to others, I might come to believe that I am a horribly selfish person with no ability to discern for myself what I want out of my existance. Nobody seems to recognize the selfishness that goes into the decision of bringing new consumers into an overpopulated world for the sake of seeing their genetics all mixed together with their partners when there are millions of unwanted children in need of loving families. Am I selfish because I want to use the life I was given to realize the extent of MY human potential instead of hanging all my hopes and dreams on some smaller version of myself? Yes, I know what it is to love somebody, and the desire to use that love to create something that comes from both of us. Still, when I look at the man I love I don't dream of what our children would look like. Instead, I dream of the music and art we could create together, and look to the inspiration we give one another as the product of our love.

At this time, three of my closest friends are pregnant.
I'm not only expected to respect their choices, but honor them and shower them with gifts and offerings of support. Of course I respect and support them, but I'm tired of feeling like it's asking too much to have that same respect and support in return. I don't want to discount the societal contribution made by good parenting, but I don't think that people should be honored simply because they have done what anybody can do. Almost anybody can have a child. It's not a big accomplishment people. I could go out tonight and get knocked up and eight months from now have a big party so that all my friends can buy me stuff. I'm not saying it's easy... but neither is facing the responsibility I have to be true to myself despite the fact that most of society still seems to feel that a womans life is worthless if she hasn't given birth.

To those who have made the choice to have children of their own:
I respect your decision, and hope that you will aspire to be the best possible parents you can be. But please, respect my choice to live my life as an independant child-free woman, and recognize that my artistic creations are just as presious to me as your little bundles of joy are to you. I needed to write this because I'm tired of sitting by passively as others disregard the contribution I have to make to the world simply because I have refused to adhere to this particular expectation. I hope you are not all pissed off at me now, but if you are, you need to recognize that that too is your choice.

you know who you are....

I’m not your Jesus Christ
I’m not your sanctuary
I’m not your little vice
I’m not the girl you’ll marry
I’m just passing you by
on my way to the world
don’t think of me and cry
I’m not that kind of girl

I don’t need your respect
I’ve got my own going
I’ve nothing to protect
I don’t need anything
and when you walk away
just know I’m not watching
there’s nothing left to say
no need for talking to you

I’m not your little girl
I’m not your fantasy
you called me out tonight
just to be seen with me
I’m walking down the line
that separates you from me
you tell me every time
I seem so out of reach

these are the days

these are the days
when I stare at the ground
my head feeling heavy
I wonder around
the town that he left
to find something else
the things that I’m feeling
I never have felt
so I sit where I’m standing
to take it all in
pulled down by the earth’s
gravitational spin
and time’s running out
but it’s all that there is
filling in spaces
that used to be his

The Parade

mourning
grieving
laughing
leaving
crying
waiting
loving
hating
thinking
feeling
wounded
healing
caged
freed
want
need
silence
noise
sorrows
joys
shallow
deep
awake
asleep
jaded
frayed
broken
made
lost
found
free
bound
poor
wealthy
sick
healthy
tension
breath
life
death

aint that just the way it goes.....

The totality of my phisiological and emotional experience over the past week of my life has left my energy depleted and my mind reeling. The ugliest parts of my nature have been exposed for all to see, and the beautiful parts of myself have grown weary of believing in unlikely fantasies. I've realized that my existence in this world is the product of good intentions, followed by exhaustion and lack of follow-through. But the past is behind me, and the future is uncertain. Here and now, I must take a vow to never let myself down just because others have.

When I get home there will be 16 paws pacing....waiting for me to serve them. There will be silence. There will be no sound of keys in the door. There will be no touch... no conversation... no companion. There is just me, my animals, and my story.
I'm not certain I'm ready for this.

With the new moon, everything I've held onto for the last year of my life disappeared. It is now my turn to fill the emptiness in my own heart with the raw materials of my human potential, and recognize that when things come to an end, they make room for new things to begin. But don't let all this positive thinking fool you. I'm at work past my shift because I don't want to go home. I'm contemplating going out to get drunk. I'm just not ready to face the silence yet.

I miss you blue.