Thursday, November 18, 2004

yesterday

Yesterday I took the day off to process some shit in my mind.
As part of the new "Action Jill" persona, I decided that even though I had called in to work depressed, I didn't have to stay home and wallow in it all day. I did do that for most of the day, but I also went and paid a visit to a place in Seattle called the Richard Hugo House. It's a place for writers that offers classes and workshops, hosts events and readings, has a theatre space for playrights, and a nice library with several computers.
You see, I'm trying to get more comfortable with sharing my work and accepting constructive criticism. I'm looking forward to participating at the Hugo House and once again finding a community of writers to share my passion with.
Check it out.

http://hugohouse.org/

beliefe and skepticism.... truth and perception

Growing up I always thought of my mother as a believer, and my father as a skeptic. Now I am realizing that we are all a little of each. In fact they can not exist without one another. To be a believer one eventually runs up against ways to believe that contradict one another. Perhaps this is why so many sects of christianity exist. To believe strongly in one set of ideas often turns to strong skepticism of other ideas. On the reverse side, to be a skeptic you must also believe. The things you are skeptical of seem wrong in comparison to something else that seems more probable. So if you zoom out and take a look, you see a world in which there are an infinite number of ideas that we can either favor or reject, and billions of people representing billions of combinations of these ideas. If you were able to examine the hearts and minds of each human you would discover that their own set of genuine beliefs would be as unique as a zebras stripes.

When I was growing up, I thought of myself as a skeptic, but I wanted to believe in something. I was skeptical because I had not yet crossed paths with an idea or set of ideas that fit my own personal truth. I am coming to realize that truth is not a thing, it is an emotion. It is something that we feel when the world refelcted back to us jives with our own perceptions. There is not an absolute truth.... there is only our perceptions, and our feelings of truth.

These are not such profound ideas. In fact I'm sure they occur to most people at some point in their life when they are forced by circumstances to re-evaluate their beliefs. Why then is belief such a powerful force on our little planet? Why do beliefs have the power to create murderous rifts between segments of the human race? Why do so many of us take our beliefs, or our desire to believe to such extremes that they become dilusional? My theory is that everybody is consumed by two primary activities through out their existence. We are all just trying to survive this life and find some sense of meaning and purpose. When survival is difficult due to unfavorable circumstances, it can become the meaning on it's own. We honor survivors as heros in our culture. But in the ritchest most powerful nation in the world, most of us do not have to primarily concern ourselves with our own survival, so we look for meaning outside of ourselves.
Still, even when we find something to believe in, our skepticism often leaves us looking for validation. The desire to believe becomes the desire to belong. Perhaps this is why so many believe despite themselves. Then what happens is that because of their own inner skepticism, they become defensive of their views, and absolutely unwilling to hear any other ideas for fear they might feel truth where it is not appropriate, and loose the support of those with whom they belong.

In my life, I have come to a place where the things I believe come from the emotion of truth. They come from my experiences, my perceptions, and yes, my desires.
At the public access television station where I work, we have a program called "Star Born." It's a weekly astrology show put on by a woman named Karen Campbell. Over the years I have helped her set up her lights and her set, and she has gifted me with my own personal weekly astrology reading. It was novel at first. But as my world grew increasingly complicated, and the need for perspective became greater I looked forward to these readings more and more. They became more complex, and at the same time more accurate as time went on. I thought about the concepts behind it, and realized that the idea that the universe and all it's planets and their magnetic pulls can influence beings made mostly of water the same way they manipulate the tides is not only probable in my view, but beautiful and poetic. So I am a believer. When I look towards the heavans, I see the celestial bodies, and I believe in their influence over my life and use it to help guide me. Perhaps some of it comes from my desire to believe. Like now I am looking forward to Venus moving into Scorpio because it is supposed to bring me luck with love, particularly with another water sign. I have a crush on a man who is a cancer, so the belief that the stars will help bring us together gives me something to look forward to. I suppose looking forward to eternal paradise after death might have the same effect on christians. Much of my believe in astrology comes from my knowledge of astronomy. The planets can answer my personal questions, while science helps to answer the larger ones such as the origin of the existance of the universe. But at some point, even science comes back to faith. If you believe in the big bang theory, then you must just accept that the gasses that caused the explosion that created all matter just existed on their own. They just were. If you are a christian and believe that some divine male archetype created the universe, you may struggle with the concept of who created this god, and come to the faith that he just is.

So when you take any philosphy to it's logical conclusion..... all the way back to the how and the why of it, the truth is that nobody knows. It just is. That is all. there is no greater meaning other than those that we create for ourselves. There is only our belief, our skepticism, and our perceptions of the truth. We are here to survive, and find meaning and beauty in our lives.
But if we are to live peacably amongst eachother in this life, we must grant one another the right to our own personal truths.... our fingerprint. If you feel the need to force your truth on others, it is because you are secretly skeptical and looking for validation. If you believe from your heart, your beliefs might change and evolve over time, but they will never need validation.

So, believe when you want to
Doubt when you need to
Call it truth when it feels right
Percieve the world through your own view.

I love you.

-Jill

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

and so.....

And so I found myself on a large boat known as the Kingston/Edmonds ferry.
I went up to the deck and looked out over the water, but the sky was so black I could only make out the sea by the sound and the smell of it. Oh yes..... that's right it was a new moon.
The new moon is a great time for renewal. The night before I had burned sage in my room.... particularly in one corner where a pocket of the previous tenants energy had become trapped. I had left it there for a long time because it was comforting to me. But his presance mixed with his absence was unbearable at times, and I knew I needed to move on. I burned the smudge stick, salted the windows, and wished the presance a peaceful escape from the room. I haven't felt him there in my sleep since then, but the memories created in that space are still with me.

I arrived in Port Angeles around nine o'clock. Played some pool at a local tavern and conversed with a group of boys who were too young to be there legally. When I woke up in my hotel the next morning, I had the familiar sensation of not having any idea where I was. In a hotel room there are few ques to bring you mentally to where you are physically. I took me longer than usual to become oriented. After some breakfast, I headed west again to the olympic hotsprings.
Bathing oneself in the earths waters is, in my view, an essential element to any renewal process. In the past I have done this by going surfing, but I was recovering from a cold, and felt that the warmth and stillness would be better than cold and rough water for this particular cleansing.
Having had no real idea of where I was going when I set out on my journey, I hadn't prepared well for the hike. I had no money to pay the parks entrance fee, no water, and only a single pear for food. Luckily for me, the hitchiker I picked up in the park had a pass, plenty of water, and a lunch that he didn't mind sharing with my measly little appetite. We hiked together to my destination (which was a little out of his way) and shared the kind of conversation you can only have with a complete stranger when your away from home. I was looking for solitude, but found his company so enjoyable that it didn't make sense to send him away. We relaxed in the spring together, had a nice picnic, and shared stories of our traveling adventures. In the car, and on the trail, I hadn't looked at his face much. But now sitting accross from him, I realized that he had an amazing resemblance to Harrison Ford. I thought about asking..... but decided that if I were him, and I were a celebrity, I would really be enjoying having a real moment with a real person who had no idea who I was. I left it at that. Soon it was time to say our goodbyes and go our seperate ways. I enjoyed the return hike at my own pace.... limping slightly from the blisters forming on the bottoms of my feet. Just when I felt I couldn't walk much further, I turned the bend and found my horseless chariot awaiting me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

good morning

I slept well last night, minus the noise in my head from being too tired to stay awake and write it all down. It's fine..... made for some interesting dreams.
Speaking of dreams, I want to relay a little series of events that came from a dream.
My friend had just given me a dose of tough love....
told me to quit sitting around feeling sorry for myself and do something.... go somewhere.... anything. I had been depressed, hadn't felt motivated to leave my bed, didn't feel like anything short of him adorning me with sympathy and love would help. It really pissed me off when he hit me point-blank with the truth. It wasn't his love I needed more of. That is always there. What I needed was a little dose of self-love. To learn to enjoy my own company again. To not accept that lonliness is an inherent part of being alone.
That night I had a dream in which I sat down at a poker table and laid it all down. All or nothing. I wasn't just betting money, I was betting my life.... my heart and soul.... all or nothing. I felt so lost that I needed to hand my fate over to someone else. I felt so broken, but inside shined the tiniest glow of hope that by making this gamble.... by putting it all out on the table.... perhaps the universe would find a place for me.
Four cards were delt. I picked them up all at once and looked at the spread. I held in my fingers a divine hand, but I didn't know what it meant. In front of my eyes I beheld the three of each suit..... only something was different. The three of diamonds for example, had a three in each corner with a little diamond underneith.... but in the center there were none. Instead one of each suit was represented. you had a heart, a spade and a club in a diagonal line. Each of the other suits had the same situation so that all suits were represented equally in the total hand.
I laid the cards down and looked up at the dealer. she had turned into a gypsy and she looked at my cards and smiled. All suits, she said...... all possibility.
All possibility!
Those words rolled around in my brain as I stumbled toward conciousness.
I awoke to a beautiful Saturday morning.... through a backpack with a change of clothes, some good literature, and my journals into the car, grabbed my guitar, and pointed myself west.

To be continued.......

Monday, November 15, 2004

here it is....

First of all I'd like to express my appreciation for the good friends (see blog links below) who inspired me to use this medium to help get me moving forward. It will serve as a homebase for my own personal resistance, a place to view writing that would otherwise sit in a pretty little book by my bed unseen by human eyes, and a sort of Darwinian journal monitoring the evolution of my human condition.
Let's face it.... we are up against a lot right now. Misguided rage and apathy are the extremes that have gotten the human race to where it is today. I'm hoping this blogging experience will help make my anger productive, and retire my apathy.
I'm going to post some poetry soon, but kind of wanted to wait till I figure out the audio posting thing so people can hear my work as it's meant to be heard.
for now, you can see several of my poems by going to http://www.voicesinwartime.org/voicesinwartime/ or http://poetry.com/ and searching Jillian Rood. There has been a lot of frustration lately as to how to best focus my energy.... how to turn talk into action. From this moment forward I vow to begin moving forward on the ideas that live in my head. However, I won't post things I plan to do, only things I'm actually doing. For now I'm starting a blog.

http://chrisopherblue.blogspot.com/

http://actionasdreamkiller.blogspot.com/

welcome to roodblog

Stay tuned for more of the world from my view......