It's a strange feeling.
Earlier this morning I was looking at my life, and seeing how far I have come. Had I gotten married several years ago as was planned, I would have had to forsake all that I have accomplished since then to devote myself to a life (and a family) that never fit me. It was undoubtedly the right decision, and yet, I still have fond feelings for the man I was once engaged to. With the Sasquatch Music Festival coming up this weekend I began to reflect on going to the same festival with Ken when we were together. It occured to me that he might be going this year, and I was excited at the possibility of running into him. I gave him a call to see if he would be coming, and left a message on his voicemail. Then I decided to call my Mom to tell her about the assistanceship I was granted for graduate school. My mom was always fond of Ken, so I shared with her the possibility of seeing him this weekend. She thought that would be nice, and agreed that he and my boyfriend Roy would probably like eachother. They are both horn players from Kitsap, and are both Aires. It would also be cool to meet Ken's new girlfriend.
Well, I'm in the middle of this conversation with my mom when Ken calls on the other line. I tell her I'll call her back and answer the other line "hey Kenny." We talk for a while and I tell him about my job at the radio station. He tells me he's not going to Sasquatch and I am disappointed. Then he tells me he's getting married. The first thing I noticed is that it's strange to be hearing this, but the strangeness is quickly replaced by relief. Now I can finally stop feeling guilty about leaving him five months before we were supposed to be married. It's off my shoulders, and now we can finally be friends..... right?
WRONG!
Appearantly the new one has decided that he's not allowed to be in communication with me at all. In fact, he's even thrown away things of mine that were left in the house... things that I thought were safe there. Perhaps I took for granted that we would always be friends... after all, that's what we promised when we broke up. I feel both betrayed and concerned. It seems that after Ken's evil mother chased me away he has decided to marry someone just like her.
I am understandably taken aback. It's like the tables have turned and now he's breaking up with me. His parents actually LIKE her too. Maybe it's because she's as controlling over him as they are. Or perhaps I'm just being bitter and she has a perfectly legitimate point in insisting that he be in the now with her, and not in the past with me. It's just hard for me to understand because I always stay friends with my ex's, and my boyfriend is very understanding of that even though he usually cuts all ties with his.
Anyway I guess it's all just a big cycle.... and maybe I will finaly be able to let go of some of the regrets I have about that relationship. It's just such a strange feeling that I don't know what to do with it. I don't want to call my mom back, because I don't feel like talking about it just now. I'm sure she will understand when she reads this. She is, after all, roodblog's most loyal reader.
Thanks Mom. I'll call you soon.
