Every sociologist should experiment with altering their universe from time to time to observe another way of life and get perspective. Since I returned from Ecuador in October, I have been living in the tiny mountain town of Roslyn Washington. The town had it's proverbial "fifteen minutes of fame" in the 1990's when it became the set for the network series "Northern Exposure." In fact, that was why I first came to visit in 1997. However, it was not the program, but the town itself that kept me coming back periodically over the years that I lived in Seattle. On that first visit, I went into an ice cream parlor that was situated where the furniture store is now. There, standing at the counter I saw a woman who (though I'd never seen her before) had an intense familiarity about her. She saw me too, and felt the same. Though neither of us could explain it, the two of us embraced eachother as though we were seeing a long lost friend. Later that day, a local kid told me that I would end up living here some day, and that ultimately I would die here. I didn't think he was saying this to scare me, but rather to inform me. I never thought I would actually live here. After all, I was an urbanite through and through. Since moving to Seattle, I had fallen in love with the diversity and the culture. I had benefited from the opportunites the city had to offer, and had become immersed in the music and arts scene. To me, a town like Roslyn was simply a nice little get away not too far from the city.
So, how did I end up here?
When I left Ecuador the first time, I had changed. Living with the Quechua and the Huaorani gave me new perspective on life. I began to question our lives of convienince. I began to see how having the city at my fingertips had kept me from seeing the things in life that were really important. The city's vibration fell out of sync with my own. I began to see that the abundance of the city was making me weak. I needed to get away.
So, I woke up one Saturday, threw my dogs in the car and started driving. I didn't know where I was going. I headed south on I-5 for a while till I saw an exit for a highway I'd never traveled on before. I followed the winding two lane highway till it merged with I90 and I found myself heading toward Roslyn. It had been a while since my last visit, so I decided to go have some lunch and let my dogs run around in the woods. When I got here, I met a few locals who decided to celebrate my arrival with a spontaneous barbeque. The rapid pace of my city existance slowed for a moment, till I tore myself away and returned to Seattle. I started to come out every weekend. The summer was coming to an end, but the weather was still warm and inviting. My hounds and I were welcomed to stay with my new friend Brent, and we enjoyed our little get aways.
However, as I prepared to leave my position at SCAN, and for my October trip to Ecuador, I was unable to visit Roslyn. Sucked back in to the demands of the city, I started to lose sight of what it is that is truely important to me.
From there began the painful process of letting go. I had to let go of the job that was the center of my universe.... all the programs I'd created, and young people I had built relationships with. My work had been the thing that had kept me going, even when my heart and hopes were broken from loving a man that I could not help. I had to let go of the house he and I had shared, and the memories and the shattered illusions. I had to let go of my home.... my friends.... my idea of who I was and what I could be. Everything had to go. It felt like dying.
My first weeks in Roslyn were difficult. I struggled with my attachments. I thought of what I was giving up. I fretted over the uncertainty of what was to come. I sat alone in an old coal miners house trying to master the wood-stove. I paced back and forth afraid for the state of my mind. In town, I felt both acceptance and rejection. I was not certain I would ever fit in here. To make things worse, my dogs were quickly 86ed from the dog friendly tavern in town. Without them, I would not have my instant conversation starters. I would not have the sense of security that their furry little faces give me when they are near. I avoided that tavern because of my embarrassment for their behavior, and went into isolation mode. I honestly felt as though my broken heart had killed me, and my soul was hanging in limbo.
Despite the depression I was falling into, I continued to wake up every morning and try to make progress. I knew that at four everyday, my one and only friend in Roslyn, Brent, would be at the brick downing his screwdrivers. Because of his routine, I found my own. Usually, I'd sleep as late as I could, then take my laptop to the coffee shop (lefties) and try to get some work done. At four I would go see Brent and cling to him till it was time to sleep again. I was increadibly lonely, but because of the constant struggle in my mind, I was not ready to look for companionship. In fact it caught me completely off guard when one night at the brick I met smiles with one Roy Alan Crowe.
I was having a smoke on the the back patio when I looked down at the men loading wood into the basement of the Brick. Roy looked up, our eyes met, and we both smiled. I finished my cigarette and went home to let my dogs out. When I got back Roy and Brent were sitting together at the bar. I tried to play it cool. I knew I didn't want to date anybody in this town, and was confident that my resolve would hold up. Brent invited us both to his house to eat a duck his room mate had shot that afternoon. I have no taste for duck, but still I agreed to head over. After dinner, and a movie which we all chatted through and barely watched, I consented to giving Roy a ride home.
In the truck on the way to his house, Roy looked at me with his cute face and his big blue eyes and told me he wanted to be a rock star. I flashed back to all the self proclaimed "rock stars" I'd dated in the past and felt sick. My flirty smile left my lips and I growled at him that he had just lost any points he may have had. Not knowing how to respond to my sudden hostility, he got quite, and I dropped him off and went home.
Later that week, I needed to purchase something or another from the local sundries shop, so I walked into town. Upon entering the shop, I saw Roy standing behind the counter. I was immediately relieved to know that he could easily be found there. We talked in a flirty manner for a while, and I left to go about my business in town. The next day, I was sitting in the same chair I'm writing from now at Lefties when Roy finished his shift at Central Sundries and came in for some coffee. The internet was down, and I couldn't get the work done that I needed to, so he offered to take me to Cle Elum to another place he knew of with a reliable wireless connection.
Two months later, Roy and I are considering that trip to Cle Elum our first date. We hung out all afternoon, and when he had to go run the audio board that night at the Brick, I went with him to talk to the owner about filming the bands that play there. As the night wore on, I felt too tired to stay around so I said goodbye to Roy and headed home. I took my night time meds, and went to bed. Several hours later, when the band had finished and the bar had closed, Roy found his way to my front door. Having woken me up from a sound drug-enduced sleep, I stumbled to the door and let him in. We sat on the couch and awkwardly conversed for the next hour or so till I couldn't hold my eyelids open any longer. I went into my room to lay down, and he came in to give me a hug and say good night. I was impressed that he didn't attempt to take advantage of my sedation and climb in bed with me. The next morning I left for Seattle.
to be continued.....
Saturday, December 16, 2006
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Just outside of Paradise
just outside of paradise
is where they shot you down
you point your pistol to the sky
and plant your feet into the ground
and break the silence of the night
just to hear the sound
'cause you just can't imagine why
there's no mercy to be found
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
just outside of paradise
you held it in your gaze
but it's so hard to reach it when
your lost inside this wicked maze
and you thought you were counting stars
when you were counting days
but no one would have ever thought
that you'd be taken out this way
singing:
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
just outside of paradise
the ones you left behind
take deep breaths and close their eyes
and try to free their minds
remembering the way you were
so beautiful and kind
the peace that you were looking for
is what we hope you'll find
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
REST IN PEACE BROTHER E.
is where they shot you down
you point your pistol to the sky
and plant your feet into the ground
and break the silence of the night
just to hear the sound
'cause you just can't imagine why
there's no mercy to be found
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
just outside of paradise
you held it in your gaze
but it's so hard to reach it when
your lost inside this wicked maze
and you thought you were counting stars
when you were counting days
but no one would have ever thought
that you'd be taken out this way
singing:
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
just outside of paradise
the ones you left behind
take deep breaths and close their eyes
and try to free their minds
remembering the way you were
so beautiful and kind
the peace that you were looking for
is what we hope you'll find
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
Love
Light
and liberation
Love
Light
and Liberation
REST IN PEACE BROTHER E.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
.
The mind is the center of the living being. It is the perceiver, and translator of information. It is always working to organize and collect the knowledge we need to move through our lives and relate to the world around us. What is similar about our minds is that they all have a method of visualization. Every person's mind conjures up abstract images to comprehend complex concepts such as the flow of time. However, every mind is unique in how that image represents itself because something like time cannot be documented in a uniform way. Yes of course, there is the clock, and the calendar…. the standards for measurement of time. But how each person experiences the flow of time varies, and thus our mental pictures are inevitably egocentric.
For much of my life I have viewed the flow of time as a straight line that flowed up a slight grade from the beginning of time till the end of the 1970's. In the late 70's time curved to the right and flowed horizontally through the 80's till it came to the 90's at which point it curved left again and continued in the direction it had always gone, only at a different longitude. Of course in the context of my own cognitive development this concept of the flow of time makes perfect sense. Still I am aware that the flow of time was not diverted by my birth and redirected as I Living in the "present moment" is the goal of meditation. It is what many enlightened people strive to do in their daily lives. It is a nearly impossible destination that we live in and yet continually fail to experience. It requires focus and concentration, and yet the only way to get there is to not try at all. It is a concept that is difficult for our mind to categorize because it is constantly in motion. In fact, the mere attempt to ignore the past and future inevitably draws our mind to those forbidden places where we continue to fight against our own fixations. So if the present moment is truly all that there is, then why is it so difficult to grab a hold of?
My new visualization of time as a single dot has led me to believe that the present moment is no more real than the past and the future. In fact they are all the same moment. We could not have arrived in the present moment without the experiences of our past or our trajectory into the future. To invalidate the past and ignore the future is to deny the present moment the context that makes it so unique and special.
As I sit here and write in this moment, I am simultaneously the person I was, the person I am, and the person I will become. I am the child who felt empathy for inanimate objects, I am the writer contemplating her truth, and I am the traveler who will seek out new perspective by leaving behind all comfort and familiarity. Trying to distinguish this moment from all those that brought me here, and all of those to come no longer seems like a path to enlightenment, but rather another distraction from the relative meaninglessness of our definitions of time.
Lately I have been remembering. I have been rediscovering moments that I had thought were gone forever that seem to have some relevance to where I currently find myself. The experience has reminded me that all of these moments including this one right here, exist only in my mind. To beat myself up for reflecting on the past or pondering the future is as lethal to my peace of mind as failing to recognize the present moment could ever be. If all of time is a single moment than what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen are all occurring at once, and the boundaries we place around moments are as arbitrary as national borders. All of time is as tiny as an atom, and as expansive as our infinite universe. It is all there is, and it is nothing.
For much of my life I have viewed the flow of time as a straight line that flowed up a slight grade from the beginning of time till the end of the 1970's. In the late 70's time curved to the right and flowed horizontally through the 80's till it came to the 90's at which point it curved left again and continued in the direction it had always gone, only at a different longitude. Of course in the context of my own cognitive development this concept of the flow of time makes perfect sense. Still I am aware that the flow of time was not diverted by my birth and redirected as I Living in the "present moment" is the goal of meditation. It is what many enlightened people strive to do in their daily lives. It is a nearly impossible destination that we live in and yet continually fail to experience. It requires focus and concentration, and yet the only way to get there is to not try at all. It is a concept that is difficult for our mind to categorize because it is constantly in motion. In fact, the mere attempt to ignore the past and future inevitably draws our mind to those forbidden places where we continue to fight against our own fixations. So if the present moment is truly all that there is, then why is it so difficult to grab a hold of?
My new visualization of time as a single dot has led me to believe that the present moment is no more real than the past and the future. In fact they are all the same moment. We could not have arrived in the present moment without the experiences of our past or our trajectory into the future. To invalidate the past and ignore the future is to deny the present moment the context that makes it so unique and special.
As I sit here and write in this moment, I am simultaneously the person I was, the person I am, and the person I will become. I am the child who felt empathy for inanimate objects, I am the writer contemplating her truth, and I am the traveler who will seek out new perspective by leaving behind all comfort and familiarity. Trying to distinguish this moment from all those that brought me here, and all of those to come no longer seems like a path to enlightenment, but rather another distraction from the relative meaninglessness of our definitions of time.
Lately I have been remembering. I have been rediscovering moments that I had thought were gone forever that seem to have some relevance to where I currently find myself. The experience has reminded me that all of these moments including this one right here, exist only in my mind. To beat myself up for reflecting on the past or pondering the future is as lethal to my peace of mind as failing to recognize the present moment could ever be. If all of time is a single moment than what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen are all occurring at once, and the boundaries we place around moments are as arbitrary as national borders. All of time is as tiny as an atom, and as expansive as our infinite universe. It is all there is, and it is nothing.
Friday, September 01, 2006
?
fatal frustration and stubborn resistance
are making me ponder my very existence
looking into all the things I'm afraid of
gaining the strength to show them what I'm made of
and all of the walls that they've built up around me
can not succeed at their goal to impound me
and when I take flight there'll be nothing to ground me
high as a kite on the love that surrounds me
are making me ponder my very existence
looking into all the things I'm afraid of
gaining the strength to show them what I'm made of
and all of the walls that they've built up around me
can not succeed at their goal to impound me
and when I take flight there'll be nothing to ground me
high as a kite on the love that surrounds me
Sunday, August 06, 2006
light
There's a light that shines in the darkness
there's a darkness covering the light
I was trying to reach out for something
but what I grabbed ahold of wasn't right
there's a voice misguiding the people
telling us that things are what we need
we are so consumed with consumption
we don't even recognize our greed
we will take the world as our prisoner
we'll surrender only to ourselves
we will wash the blood from our hands now
while we revel in god-given wealth
I'll reject the ways of the system
I will say out loud I've had enough
nothing here is making me happy
I can not fill my emptiness with stuff
I close my eyes to see through the lies now
Open up my heart to feel the truth
we're all in the same situation
I was never seperate from you
we were born to live from the sweet earth
we have taken more than what we need
some are dying cause they've over eaten
others starve 'cause there's nothing to eat
we have thrown the world out of balance
we have built a wall to hide behind
we throw stones at brothers and sisters
just because they do not share our mind
I'm the girl who waits on the sidelines
no one knows I plan to change the game
I'll rewrite the rules if I want to
'cause the ones we're playing by are lame
I will fight to level the play field
I will give a voice to those you hush
you can't buy me out with your money
the only thing I really need is love
there's a darkness covering the light
I was trying to reach out for something
but what I grabbed ahold of wasn't right
there's a voice misguiding the people
telling us that things are what we need
we are so consumed with consumption
we don't even recognize our greed
we will take the world as our prisoner
we'll surrender only to ourselves
we will wash the blood from our hands now
while we revel in god-given wealth
I'll reject the ways of the system
I will say out loud I've had enough
nothing here is making me happy
I can not fill my emptiness with stuff
I close my eyes to see through the lies now
Open up my heart to feel the truth
we're all in the same situation
I was never seperate from you
we were born to live from the sweet earth
we have taken more than what we need
some are dying cause they've over eaten
others starve 'cause there's nothing to eat
we have thrown the world out of balance
we have built a wall to hide behind
we throw stones at brothers and sisters
just because they do not share our mind
I'm the girl who waits on the sidelines
no one knows I plan to change the game
I'll rewrite the rules if I want to
'cause the ones we're playing by are lame
I will fight to level the play field
I will give a voice to those you hush
you can't buy me out with your money
the only thing I really need is love
Friday, July 07, 2006
Fluid Transitions
The power to keep me from sleeping at night
sitting in darkness just pondering light
waiting in shadows to keep myself hidden
doing the best with the gifts I've been given
There was a time I was lost in a haze
consumed by what others were thinking
making my way like a rat in a maze
caught in the quicksand and sinking
I have been frightened by beautiful things
I have avoided contentment
I have felt love like the binding of strings
turning all joy to resentment
Now I am coming around to the truth
that fear only owns what I give it
and beauty exists everywhere that I look
and life will unfold as I live it
winding my way down the path I have taken
staring off into the distance
what once lay in sleep has now been awakened
I have begun my resistance
tenderness comes from the love that I feel
floating as soft as the breeze
giving me peace and a new found belief
growing inside as I breathe
gravity's taking us all on a journey
through light years of distance and time
we are all travelers asleep at the wheel
free but still feeling confined
frightened by nightmares twisting our dreams
hiding from our full potential
distracting ourselves with the meaningless things
that keep us from what is essential
So I'll walk away and leave it behind me
finally finding my place
I'm just a small composition of cells
spinning through infinite space
sitting in darkness just pondering light
waiting in shadows to keep myself hidden
doing the best with the gifts I've been given
There was a time I was lost in a haze
consumed by what others were thinking
making my way like a rat in a maze
caught in the quicksand and sinking
I have been frightened by beautiful things
I have avoided contentment
I have felt love like the binding of strings
turning all joy to resentment
Now I am coming around to the truth
that fear only owns what I give it
and beauty exists everywhere that I look
and life will unfold as I live it
winding my way down the path I have taken
staring off into the distance
what once lay in sleep has now been awakened
I have begun my resistance
tenderness comes from the love that I feel
floating as soft as the breeze
giving me peace and a new found belief
growing inside as I breathe
gravity's taking us all on a journey
through light years of distance and time
we are all travelers asleep at the wheel
free but still feeling confined
frightened by nightmares twisting our dreams
hiding from our full potential
distracting ourselves with the meaningless things
that keep us from what is essential
So I'll walk away and leave it behind me
finally finding my place
I'm just a small composition of cells
spinning through infinite space
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Friday, June 02, 2006
Gratitude
It is amazing to me that the last time I posted it was to express fear for what has proven to be the most amazing experience of my life. There is no way I could have imagined the peace I would find in the jungle. To live amongst people who have no sense of urgency, no greed, no vanity, no jealousy..... To experience a life that is in such complete harmony with its surroundings.... It has helped me to discover that what has been diagnosed as a chemical imbalance, is in all acutuality a cultural imbalance. Since I returned I have thrown myself into editing the footage of the Huaorani into a documentary that has already managed to find it's way to the spotlight. It's all happening so fast, but it's so fantastic that I can only surrender to my good fortune and try to live up to the responsibility I have taken on. And as all this awesome positivity comes flowing into my life, I have begun to recognize how each person who has ever believed in me has brought me to this moment. I now have the opportunity to contribute to a global effort to fight the oil and timber companies that are destroying our planet and help to preserve a culture that has deeply touched my heart with their genuine strength and grace. I have an opportunity and a responsibility to follow this passion that I feel by using the tools and skills that I have learned in this life. Every moment has led to now, and I am greatful to be here.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
this is it
I am about to embark on the adventure of a life time. I will be traveling by three passenger plane to the heart of the Amazon Rain Forest to live with the Huaorani people. I am excited..... but honestly, I am more afraid than I can ever remember being before.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
something gone, something gained
holding it up to the light to see through it
there are some places that I'd rather be
expecting the night to consume all my worries
asking for truth to come permiate me
looking for creatures that live in the dark woods
waiting in silence to feel some relief
holding it in I'm afraid to release it
not certain that I'll match the strength of this grief
taking a walk just to losen my body
taking a nap cause I feel overwhelmed
taking a break from persuit of loves conquest
listening only for absence of sound
I have been trying to find peace in a war zone
I have been lying to cover my fears
there is a mold that been growing in my mind
blurring the lines that distinguish the years
and memories hide undernieth for safe keeping
surfacing only when needed
and patterns appear in mosaics before me
only when they've been repeated
now I have been free from the threads that control me
I have lived naturally under the sky
I have embraced what has brought me to this time
savoring it as it passes me by
these are the stories that can not be written
there's an awareness that comes from the stars
there is a magic that flows from our mother
everything's hers that we have claimed as ours
I have held hands that were darker than my own
I have kissed lips that were full like the moon
I have braved jungles just looming with dangers
traveled down rivers in dug-out canoes
I have found peace with the dawning of sunlight
I've bathed in waterfalls under it's rays
I have seen right through all the lies of our culture
chosing a life based on how much it pays
I will go forward in any direction
I will cry out like a wolfe in the night
I see the beauty that shouldn't be wasted
I will join into the peacemakers fight
there are some places that I'd rather be
expecting the night to consume all my worries
asking for truth to come permiate me
looking for creatures that live in the dark woods
waiting in silence to feel some relief
holding it in I'm afraid to release it
not certain that I'll match the strength of this grief
taking a walk just to losen my body
taking a nap cause I feel overwhelmed
taking a break from persuit of loves conquest
listening only for absence of sound
I have been trying to find peace in a war zone
I have been lying to cover my fears
there is a mold that been growing in my mind
blurring the lines that distinguish the years
and memories hide undernieth for safe keeping
surfacing only when needed
and patterns appear in mosaics before me
only when they've been repeated
now I have been free from the threads that control me
I have lived naturally under the sky
I have embraced what has brought me to this time
savoring it as it passes me by
these are the stories that can not be written
there's an awareness that comes from the stars
there is a magic that flows from our mother
everything's hers that we have claimed as ours
I have held hands that were darker than my own
I have kissed lips that were full like the moon
I have braved jungles just looming with dangers
traveled down rivers in dug-out canoes
I have found peace with the dawning of sunlight
I've bathed in waterfalls under it's rays
I have seen right through all the lies of our culture
chosing a life based on how much it pays
I will go forward in any direction
I will cry out like a wolfe in the night
I see the beauty that shouldn't be wasted
I will join into the peacemakers fight
Saturday, March 18, 2006
rainbows
the folk singers sing about butterflies
and traveling places by train
rainbows and sunshine and stars in the sky
and how we're all one and the same
but under my clothing my body is bruised
behind all my silence is fear
and though it may seem we're together in this
things are not what they appear
and I'm growing weary of holding it in
but I can not sing to a crowd
the things that I am most needing to say
are things I could not say outloud
'cause I'm being chased and persued by a demon
no matter how far I can go I can't leave him
and he is a shadow that keeps me from sunshine
looming above me creating these dark times
but I'm growing wings so that I can fly
leaving him down on the earth
and take all the lessons that I've learned from him
for whatever it is that they're worth
and traveling places by train
rainbows and sunshine and stars in the sky
and how we're all one and the same
but under my clothing my body is bruised
behind all my silence is fear
and though it may seem we're together in this
things are not what they appear
and I'm growing weary of holding it in
but I can not sing to a crowd
the things that I am most needing to say
are things I could not say outloud
'cause I'm being chased and persued by a demon
no matter how far I can go I can't leave him
and he is a shadow that keeps me from sunshine
looming above me creating these dark times
but I'm growing wings so that I can fly
leaving him down on the earth
and take all the lessons that I've learned from him
for whatever it is that they're worth
Thursday, March 16, 2006
danger
do not play in on or around
there is danger in what you are doing
there is a hole in what was solid ground
that is filled with what people have ruined
and the light in the sky doesn't burn quite as bright
through the haze of the cloud we've created
and compassion's the only salvation for those
who have only known passion in hatred
loneliness connects us all
because we fail to see
that we are not alone in that
we share life energy
so what of the land is still virgin and pure,
what haven't we raped with machines?
we're long past the point where we've gone way too far
now nothing will ever be clean
and some of us try, but not hard enough
most just don't bother at all
then there are those who are flaunting their waste
just to prove to you they've got it all
loneliness connects us all
because we fail to see
that we are not alone in that
we share life energy
there is danger in what you are doing
there is a hole in what was solid ground
that is filled with what people have ruined
and the light in the sky doesn't burn quite as bright
through the haze of the cloud we've created
and compassion's the only salvation for those
who have only known passion in hatred
loneliness connects us all
because we fail to see
that we are not alone in that
we share life energy
so what of the land is still virgin and pure,
what haven't we raped with machines?
we're long past the point where we've gone way too far
now nothing will ever be clean
and some of us try, but not hard enough
most just don't bother at all
then there are those who are flaunting their waste
just to prove to you they've got it all
loneliness connects us all
because we fail to see
that we are not alone in that
we share life energy
Thursday, February 23, 2006
patchwork
the sky was the limit
but now it's descending
and all of the plans
I was making are pending
and winter's persistent
with percipatation
and I'm filling up
like a pool of frustration
and everything's heavy
like fog in the air
and my mind runs laps
while my eyes blankly stare
cause I died the day
that I stopped believing
now everyone who's ever
loved me is leaving
I wish I could cry
but I haven't been able
cause I always try
to appear to be stable
but I'm just the product
of imagination
and dreams that were conjured
while under sedation
so talk to me straight
and look into my eyes
I think you will see
that I wear no disguise
and I'm thin as air
still you can't see through me
so there is nothing to me
but now it's descending
and all of the plans
I was making are pending
and winter's persistent
with percipatation
and I'm filling up
like a pool of frustration
and everything's heavy
like fog in the air
and my mind runs laps
while my eyes blankly stare
cause I died the day
that I stopped believing
now everyone who's ever
loved me is leaving
I wish I could cry
but I haven't been able
cause I always try
to appear to be stable
but I'm just the product
of imagination
and dreams that were conjured
while under sedation
so talk to me straight
and look into my eyes
I think you will see
that I wear no disguise
and I'm thin as air
still you can't see through me
so there is nothing to me
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
state of mind (two)
another dreary winter day
another quiet morning
another stretch and sip of tea
another round of yawning
looking out the window
looking for something unknown
looking for the eagle
purching greatly on his thrown
what I see is moss on trees
and what I hear is singing
but what am I to make of this
if nothing has a meaning?
I think too much when I wake up
I need to think of breathing
I need to get perspective on
this life that I've been leading
so I'll take another sip of tea
and go and take a shower
and take some time to think
while I'm just taking in the flowers
another quiet morning
another stretch and sip of tea
another round of yawning
looking out the window
looking for something unknown
looking for the eagle
purching greatly on his thrown
what I see is moss on trees
and what I hear is singing
but what am I to make of this
if nothing has a meaning?
I think too much when I wake up
I need to think of breathing
I need to get perspective on
this life that I've been leading
so I'll take another sip of tea
and go and take a shower
and take some time to think
while I'm just taking in the flowers
burning
I'm burning all the letters
that I wrote and never sent
hoping to release myself
from all their sentiment
and when my thoughts
have turned to you
and when my heart is yearning
I add another poem
to the fire for its burning
but flames can't touch the heat
of what I felt inside my heart
as I tried to piece together
that which you had torn apart
but now the shreds float in the sky
and ashes fall like snowflakes
and embers in the night will burn
all evidence of our mistakes
that I wrote and never sent
hoping to release myself
from all their sentiment
and when my thoughts
have turned to you
and when my heart is yearning
I add another poem
to the fire for its burning
but flames can't touch the heat
of what I felt inside my heart
as I tried to piece together
that which you had torn apart
but now the shreds float in the sky
and ashes fall like snowflakes
and embers in the night will burn
all evidence of our mistakes
Sunday, February 12, 2006
numbers
standing in the food bank line
to find something to eat
some over-ripe bannanas
or a can of mystery meat
and hunger is the driving force
that lead you to their door
'cause working hard has never changed
the fact that you are poor
and costs just keep on rising
while your wages stay the same
and beggars can't be chosers
so you're forced to play their game
and slipping through the cracks you try
to grab ahold of something
'cause all of their statistics
simply hiding you from one thing
that there are peoples lives beneath
their piling of numbers
breaking down thier bodies
while the rich man safely slumbers
and from their sweat a million earned
but he won't share his profits
'cause he was chosen for this wealth
because of who his pop is
to find something to eat
some over-ripe bannanas
or a can of mystery meat
and hunger is the driving force
that lead you to their door
'cause working hard has never changed
the fact that you are poor
and costs just keep on rising
while your wages stay the same
and beggars can't be chosers
so you're forced to play their game
and slipping through the cracks you try
to grab ahold of something
'cause all of their statistics
simply hiding you from one thing
that there are peoples lives beneath
their piling of numbers
breaking down thier bodies
while the rich man safely slumbers
and from their sweat a million earned
but he won't share his profits
'cause he was chosen for this wealth
because of who his pop is
Ashlee
with hair like a fire
and curves like a river
there isn't a thing
that she needs you to give her
she's standing up tall
keeping pride in her step
and flashing a smile
you could never forget
she's strong in her presence
and in her convictions
and all too aware
of the worlds contradictions
she's quick in her wit
and kind in her spirit
she'll tell you the truth
just when you need to hear it
her friendship is golden
she's full of compassion
she'll answer you're question
before you can ask it
and when things are lovely
she's there to have fun
and when you need comfort
she's there to give some
born on this day
she has gathered together
those who would say
that they'll love her forever
and I'd like to thank her
for all that she's given
I'm much better off
just because she is living
and curves like a river
there isn't a thing
that she needs you to give her
she's standing up tall
keeping pride in her step
and flashing a smile
you could never forget
she's strong in her presence
and in her convictions
and all too aware
of the worlds contradictions
she's quick in her wit
and kind in her spirit
she'll tell you the truth
just when you need to hear it
her friendship is golden
she's full of compassion
she'll answer you're question
before you can ask it
and when things are lovely
she's there to have fun
and when you need comfort
she's there to give some
born on this day
she has gathered together
those who would say
that they'll love her forever
and I'd like to thank her
for all that she's given
I'm much better off
just because she is living
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
unity in solitude
taking leave where trees are thick
and mountain tops are high
and ocean waves reflect the sun
descending from the sky
and taking wood to sand I write
the words for what I'm seeking
when creature conversations
are the company I'm keeping
and mountain tops are high
and ocean waves reflect the sun
descending from the sky
and taking wood to sand I write
the words for what I'm seeking
when creature conversations
are the company I'm keeping
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
the greatest love that never was
you were on the outside
looking in on my confusion
I was on the inside
staring out at an illusion
and my interpretation
of the things that I could see
was only a projection
of what I wanted to be
and you were looking past me
when all I could see was you
and everything you asked of me
I tried so hard to do
but letting go's the hardest thing
that you've ever demanded
you've refused the greatest gift
that you've ever been handed
and as I walk away I feel
that I have been defeated
I have failed to learn from
the mistakes that I've repeated
and I have failed to share the joy
that loving you once brought me
but I won't fail to make use of
the lesson this has taught me
looking in on my confusion
I was on the inside
staring out at an illusion
and my interpretation
of the things that I could see
was only a projection
of what I wanted to be
and you were looking past me
when all I could see was you
and everything you asked of me
I tried so hard to do
but letting go's the hardest thing
that you've ever demanded
you've refused the greatest gift
that you've ever been handed
and as I walk away I feel
that I have been defeated
I have failed to learn from
the mistakes that I've repeated
and I have failed to share the joy
that loving you once brought me
but I won't fail to make use of
the lesson this has taught me
Sunday, January 08, 2006
state of mind (one)
In a dream our darkest fears
In a sense it all seems senseless
In a wall a door appears
Take my time and lead me somewhere
Take my flesh and have your way
Take my burdens to the ether
Take the words that I can’t say
Wait for me till I come back here
Wait till night dawns into day
Wait beside the flowing river
Wait till time has passed away
Give me strength through tenderness
Give me grace in freedom
Give me songs of dreams to sing
Give me eyes to see them
Closer than a mothers nurture
Closer than the touch of skin
Closer to the source of magic
That you’re known to keep within
I have seen behind your eyes now
I have folded on my knees
I have come to you in kindness
I’m the answer to your pleas
You were brought to me by shadows
In our worlds we move as time does
In and out and changing pace
In the end we’re only atoms
On a trip through time and space
So let us be what we admire
Letting things be what they will
Let your body take its rest now
Let your mind be soft and still
In a sense it all seems senseless
In a wall a door appears
Take my time and lead me somewhere
Take my flesh and have your way
Take my burdens to the ether
Take the words that I can’t say
Wait for me till I come back here
Wait till night dawns into day
Wait beside the flowing river
Wait till time has passed away
Give me strength through tenderness
Give me grace in freedom
Give me songs of dreams to sing
Give me eyes to see them
Closer than a mothers nurture
Closer than the touch of skin
Closer to the source of magic
That you’re known to keep within
I have seen behind your eyes now
I have folded on my knees
I have come to you in kindness
I’m the answer to your pleas
You were brought to me by shadows
In our worlds we move as time does
In and out and changing pace
In the end we’re only atoms
On a trip through time and space
So let us be what we admire
Letting things be what they will
Let your body take its rest now
Let your mind be soft and still
Scavenger Belle
scavenger belle
she sees him walk by
her lips start to swell
he'll sit by her side
then ravage her well
they'll both wake up smiling
new stories to tell
of paths intertwining
no direction
the way that you feel
seeking protection
from life that's too real
deep in her comfort
they both start to feel
what could never be writen
to sweeten the deal
light in the sky
it's treating you kindly
the stars in your eyes
they gently remind me
that things that are gone
can always come back
we're both staying strong
it's foresight we lack
she sees him walk by
her lips start to swell
he'll sit by her side
then ravage her well
they'll both wake up smiling
new stories to tell
of paths intertwining
no direction
the way that you feel
seeking protection
from life that's too real
deep in her comfort
they both start to feel
what could never be writen
to sweeten the deal
light in the sky
it's treating you kindly
the stars in your eyes
they gently remind me
that things that are gone
can always come back
we're both staying strong
it's foresight we lack
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