The totality of my phisiological and emotional experience over the past week of my life has left my energy depleted and my mind reeling. The ugliest parts of my nature have been exposed for all to see, and the beautiful parts of myself have grown weary of believing in unlikely fantasies. I've realized that my existence in this world is the product of good intentions, followed by exhaustion and lack of follow-through. But the past is behind me, and the future is uncertain. Here and now, I must take a vow to never let myself down just because others have.
When I get home there will be 16 paws pacing....waiting for me to serve them. There will be silence. There will be no sound of keys in the door. There will be no touch... no conversation... no companion. There is just me, my animals, and my story.
I'm not certain I'm ready for this.
With the new moon, everything I've held onto for the last year of my life disappeared. It is now my turn to fill the emptiness in my own heart with the raw materials of my human potential, and recognize that when things come to an end, they make room for new things to begin. But don't let all this positive thinking fool you. I'm at work past my shift because I don't want to go home. I'm contemplating going out to get drunk. I'm just not ready to face the silence yet.
I miss you blue.
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