flip

love and hate have lusted for each other
since human hearts have beat upon this earth
it seems that one's always fueling the other
every blessing comes with it's own curse

yes it's true that every coin has two sides
the metal that they share it binds them tight
we are always flipping them in our minds
trying to decide what's wrong and right

kindness and cruelty
sleep in the same bed
they're sending me their dreams
filling up my head

I will never understand what they do
why anyone would try to hurt another
but I accept that it will just continue
we make enemies of all our lovers

our families and friends should help us to grow
but often they just make us shrink away
they don't want to hear the things that we know
they'll just have to learn in their own way

I love them endlessly but
there is a dark side
they use their power to
shake me up inside

up

I know I beat myself up
for not finding my voice when I was younger
busy learning the lessons that would
make me wiser and so much stronger

sometimes when I first wake up
I have trouble knowing where I'm living
my life has been so mixed up
not enough taking, too much giving

all I want is to be real
just to speak the things I feel
all I need is to be loved
here on earth not from above

you know that my mind's made up
got to do the things that I was born to
there's no way I will give up
after everything that I have gone through

sometimes I feel envious
but I can not dwell on those emotions
and so I pick myself up
and focus on my forward motion

all I want is to be real
just to speak the things I feel
all I need is to be loved
here on earth not from above

I hear your head

you hear music in your head
and I can hear it too
I'll write words to go with it
and we'll make something new

never thought I could find this
shared wavelength kind of thing
but I've got lot's of poems babe
and you've got lot's of strings

for better or for worse
I hear your head inside my own
a blessing seems a curse
unless you're smart enough to know

you say this is a jaunty tune
I totally agree
but still I smile and laugh at you
because you sound funny

if married life were this much fun
for everybody else
the divorce rate would equal none
our music is our wealth

for better or for worse
I hear your head inside my own
a blessing seems a curse
unless you're smart enough to know

we conceive songs that we
will nurture till they grow
finding the nuances
preparing for the show

Rebirth Marks

happiness offends as much as hate
no one wants to realize what they're missing
no amount of money in the world
measures up to passionately kissing

the most intense experience in life
can't be purchased with a credit card
integrity and resolve are a must
love is beautiful but it is hard

don't tell me to smile for you
I'm not here to be cute
I'm no coy submissive girl
my style is resolute

time is not a given so take heed
don't put off the things you mean to do
this life is all that is guaranteed
heaven might not be waiting for you

everybody's spirit carries truth
egos obscure visions in our minds
reality exists in the surreal
dreaming may be our most lucid time

why should I invest in a
world that disregards me
tattoos are my rebirth marks
but there's more than you see

Green Thumb

I'll say it one more time
the life I live is mine
every other opinion is moot

there's something to be said
for filling up my head
with what they call my silly dreams

I've found a place for me
a culture jamming scene
every imperfection truth

I found all that I need
growing like a seed
I'll nurture it with my green thumb

wait and think before you speak
you're part of the elite
but money can't buy intellect

so low that I can't fall
my gift intangible
but I feel wealthy anyway

my hearts an open book
if you bothered to look
there's a chance that you'd relate

repeat the things I know
like watching flowers grow
I'll nurture them with my green thumb

yeah you know I'm insecure
and cutting words they hurt
I am not impervious

but fear I must deny
and though it lives inside
it's only there to overcome

the circle in my mind
it's spinning all the time
making it so hard to sleep

it's up to me to free
the sound that comes from me
and nurture it with my green thumb

Who I Am

sometimes I want to break the silence
hanging in the atmosphere
waiting for a song to hear

will you take me to another world
take me to another time
help me be another girl

I wish I could be anyone else but who I am

looking at the sunset calms me down
takes my thoughts into the clouds
while my bare toes feel the ground

taking breaths so deep they tingle
wanting to believe again
that life is something meaningful

I just can't be anyone else but who I am

sometimes other people make me feel
there's a need to hide behind
a smiling face that isn't real

I'm like the train that shakes my house at night
far from where I started from
incapable of being quiet

I don't want to be anyone else but who I am

Imaginary Friends

She's a little sullen girl just hiding in her room
writing little poems in her book
she has many things that she would like to show the world
but she's a girl so no one cares to look

she has many questions and she's searching for the answers
seeking out the ones who say they know
but the things they teach her they never really reach her
she can see through stories full of holes

imaginary friends are the only ones she has
loneliness so thick it can be thrown
I wish I could tell her it will get better some day
but that is something that she's always known
there is so much that she's always known

now she's growing up and things are complicated
a woman's heart inside a child's frame
experts say she's gifted but it feels like she is cursed
so few others to whom she relates

she's an older woman looking back upon her life
each and every path she chose to take
some of them were dead ends but what she learned on the way
made her glad that she'd made those mistakes

imaginary friends are the only ones she has
loneliness so thick it can be thrown
I wish I could tell her it will get better some day
but that is something that she's always known
there is so much that she's always known

Ample Miracles (for Godless Heathens)

there are ample miracles for godless heathens
an old lady prays in the name of revenge
a gypsy is blessed with the love of her brethren
those who are lost find their way in the end

holy men dream of winning gods favor
worships fall to their knees and repent
heathens don't fear any gods or demons
heaven and hell are just places we've been

you can tell me I'm damned
but only I decide who I am

the sun shines bright on the faces of skeptics
wine tastes fine when it's no ones blood
prayers are carried on the wind to butterflies
forgiveness is free to the ones that we love

I have been to the banks of the river
I have climbed to the mountain's peak
there is no pew like the dirt under my feet
no cross more sacred than the trees

you can tell me I'm damned
but only I decide who I am

Family

it's so hard to concentrate
with all that's going on
my mind is a bandwagon
that everyone is on
past and present moving towards
a future that's unseen
all that I can know for sure
where I've already been

my DNA full of diseases
most of them are mental
my family, unfeeling says
that I'm too sentimental
choking it all down may be
the thing that works for them
but love and passion are
inherent parts of who I am

gave me a life
made me want to return it
begged for their love
so they told me to earn it
broke my blue heart
but proved it was resilient
they never noticed
the ways that I'm brilliant

no words are more painful
than the piercing ones would dare
silence is a noxious cloud
that's poisoning the air
I know truth is frightening
but once it has been faced
everyone can breathe again
and healing can take place

I left our family portrait
in a locket on a tree
hoping that the forest would
impart some clarity
I left us there and walked away
it was a kind of prayer
that all of my relations feel
the peace that I found there

gave me a life
made me want to return it
begged for their love
so they told me to earn it
broke my blue heart
but proved it was resilient
they never noticed
the ways that I'm brilliant

Scripts

hello good morning sir what can I do for you?
sugar in your coffee, do you take one lump or two?
thank you for choosing us, we hope you'll come again
this same conversation will be waiting for you then

hello how are you? I am fine how about you?
never been better, it's been so nice seeing you
so many words to say without even thinking
no meaning to convey, true dialogue is shrinking

we speak in scripts that we have all learned to recite
borrowed from others there is no need to re-write
there's no original sentiments to say
it's all been said before so just lean on cliches

sorry to hear that, get well soon, I'll pray for you
call me if there is anything else that I can do
I'll send you flowers, greeting cards and red balloons
anything at all but hear what you've been going through

let's not talk politics, religion, sin or art
it seems too dangerous, our viewpoints might depart
civilized people shouldn't seem to disagree
be just like him, I'll be like her, he'll be like me

we speak in scripts that we have all learned to recite
borrowed from others there is no need to re-write
there's no original sentiment to say
it's all been said before so just lean on cliches

brown eyed child bride

he sees a pretty flower
wants to keep it for himself
presses it inside a book
and puts it on the shelf
and though it may not grow or bloom
or dance against the breeze
it doesn't matter to him
it's just there to fill his needs

he gave you tabs of paper
made you think in different ways
wrapped you up inside his world
and took you far away
but no one could have said a word
you just weren't listening
I hope some day that you'll take back
the life that you've been missing

brown eyed child bride
you were my friend
you were my guide
now the light that shined has died
you seem so lost inside

how can you nurture friendships
when you don't care for yourself
how can you build your spirit
when your focus is on wealth
how can you place judgments on
the things you've never known
why are you still like a child
when everybody else has grown

the wall around you taller
than it's ever been before
I don't think I have the will
to climb it anymore
I know that you feel trapped in there
I hate to walk away
but there's an unlocked door somewhere
it's fear that makes you stay

brown eyed child bride
you were my friend
you were my guide
now the light that shined has died
you seem so lost inside

Truth

I used to be a nicer girl
but kindness will be punished
I'd rather you call me a bitch
than disingenuous

take a step back look and see
there is a bigger picture
let the words I want to speak
come out, no need to censor

somebody has to say these things
I hope you'll understand
I've found that truth is the only
friend that I really have

women aren't supposed to have
strong willed opinions
they're supposed to smile
and be polite

I guess it's unfortunate that
you feel that way
my tongue's lashing out
from all the bites

somebody has to say these things
I hope you'll understand
I've found that truth is the only
friend that I really have

Rivers

rivers aren't supposed to flow uphill
and feelings aren't supposed to be suppressed
they tell us to hide all signs of rage
because they'd rather that we feel depressed

I have found the ugliest of truths
more beautiful than all the pretty lies
don't let others tell you how to feel
your heart isn't there to compromise

I can't take it anymore
I have to speak my mind
my pen is the sword against
the bourgeois and swine

Sometimes I feel like I'm under seige
outside forces move to occupy
but the wall I'm building around me
keeps me safely tucked away inside

injustice is a toxin in our blood
poisoning our minds with frustration
we're supposed to take it with a smile
but our stomachs churn with rancid bile

why can't you just understand
I'm not what you expect
I am small but I am big
and I deserve respect

Best Friends

you always know how I'm feeling
I never have to say a word
you put your head on my shoulder
and in your love I feel comfort

your tender eyes they can convey
a wisdom people seldom gain
and though you lack the words to say it
your movements tell me what you mean

I never want to have to live without you
we've become part of one another
we'll find adventure and so many new
territories to discover

I've never met another like you
you're strange and beautiful and kind
and when my thoughts are growing gloomy
you can always change my mind

when it grows cold I'll keep you warm dear
I'll wrap you up and hold you tight
don't let the thunder outside scare you
I'm here and everything's alright

I never want to have to live without you
we've become part of one another
we'll find adventure and so many new
territories to discover

Off the Lamb

not going on the lamb
can't make me run away
not sitting on your lap
no I don't want to play...
with you... at all... no way

said you respected me
but that's not what you show
I'm not a piece of meat
in case you didn't know...
there's more... than meets... the eye

you're a dirty old man
watch where you put those hands
I just can't understand
why you'd betray the band

When something seems to be
just too good to be true
I've learned it often means
claims won't be backed by proof
here I… believed… the lie

project self righteousness
make judgments on my life
ask god to bless me then
covet your good friends wife
practice… the things… you preach

you're a dirty old man
watch where you put those hands
I just can't understand
why you'd betray the band

my husband was your friend
you disrespected him
I'm an artist you know
not just some cheap peep show
I'm not your cheap peep show!

Hymns

I have a nasty habit
wanting what I'll never have
failing to recognize the things I do
I know sometimes it seems like I'm
a thousand miles south
inside my head so far away from you

and yes my mind is in the breeze
as it turns into wind
I am like a kite but you can
bring me down to earth again
you are my pied piper
and I'll follow where you go
wherever you are baby
is the place I'll call my home

you are writing music now
these words will fall in place
when you listen to our song
a smile will cross your face
I will be your melody
if you will be my rhythm
hedonistic love songs
are the hymns of our religion

there's no warmth like that which comes
from you sleeping beside me
there's no pleasure like the kind
that you put inside me
you're the only person that
I want to spend my time with
you're the only word that I
will ever want to rhyme with

years are passing quicker now
than every day before you
seasons changing endlessly
all that we have gone through
times aren't ever easy here
every day's a struggle
but getting through it all with you
makes it worth the trouble

you're writing music now
these words will fall in place
so when you listen to our song
a smile will cross your face
I'll be your melody
if you will be my rhythm
hedonistic love songs are
the hymns of our religion

Rare Birds and Rosemary

It's not that I haven't been writing of late... just that what I'm writing has been recorded on a Fostex digital 8-track rather than a blog. Give it a listen and tell me what you think.

-Jillian

http://www.reverbnation.com/rarebirdsandrosemary

Neda's Generation

her dark eyes flicker searching
for an answer in the air
what exactly is the reason
that she's lying there?
cell phone camera rolling
bullet in her chest
now her blood is flowing
and it's fueling the unrest

green fists rise in anger
as injustice claims it's victim
voices rise in unison
calling for redemption
her last breath viewed across the world
mourned in every nation
martyrdom will be her home
it's Neda's generation

they will stand for nothing less
than freedom from oppression
strength through peace takes to the streets
the world will stand behind them
women silenced way too long
refuse to live in fear
they say we're Neda's generation
we will speak and you will hear

some have said her death was one
we never should have seen
flicker cross the pixels of
our home computer screens
some will turn away from her
while others bow their heads
how can we lie to ourselves
while Neda lies there dead?

green fists rise in anger
as injustice claims it's victim
voices rise in unison
calling for redemption
her last breath viewed across the world
mourned in every nation
martyrdom will be her home
it's Neda's generation

yeah, they just want to be themselves
they're Neda's generation

Demolition

I've lived so many lives in just this one
I've seen so many versions of the truth
the stories that I tell are seldom spun
the lines around my eyes they hold the proof

I've heard I love you from a thousand lips
but love was not the reason that they spoke
there were times I wanted to believe
just so I could feel like I had hope

there are many endings and beginings
there are many secrets in the wind
there's an answer if you're asking questions
but truth it doesn't always lie within

I've had so many places I've called home
only just a few things stayed the same
at times I thought I'd never settle down
but I've just grown so tired of playing games

sometimes demolition leads to new growth
sometimes there's destruction and rebirth
feels like I've been waking from a nightmare
feels like I've discovered what I'm worth

there will always be those who will tell me
nothing that I ever do is right
there are times when hatred's overwhelming
but love is what will keep us warm at night

there's a peace that I am growing into
there is comfort in my lover's bed
there are flowers growing in our garden
there are ideas growing in our heads

cheating death

I was supposed to die amidst twisted metal and fire last Sunday, but I am not dead. About a month before, a strange acquaintance from a former life notified me by way of internet that he'd had a dream... no it was more than a dream it was a vision. He had seen my love and I die, and then noted that a calender near by read April 17th. Dreams have a way of making sense often despite blatant absurdity. This felt real to him in a way that he didn't really even expect me to understand. But I did understand. Not long before I received his message, I had a similar experience in which I witnessed the death of a dear friend and her young son. As they entered a particular intersection near their home, a man in a large commercial truck was searching for something on the seat next to him, failing to notice the hue of the traffic light shifting from green to yellow to red. Death was immediate upon impact. The next seen was of her husband and daughter alone contemplating a future without the other half of their family. I did not want to scare her, but I had to say something. She agreed to take a different route, and not to drive alone with her son for a while. Perhaps, this new vision was a continuation of something that had I had already set into motion. Maybe the signals are there for those who are willing to hear them. Of course, it could also be that I am crazy like they say, and the only reality that exists is the one that we can see and touch. Whatever the truth of the matter may be, I heeded the warning, stayed home, and planted corn and sunflowers in my garden.
The next day I feel ill. It started with a deep exhaustion like none I'd felt before. Then fluids began leaking from every orifice. No amount of soup or tea or warmth seemed to provide any relief. I tried to will myself well as I have done on many occasions, but my condition continued to worsen. Time stood still. Days passed. Shadows moved across walls. I drifted in and out of medicated sleep. My dreams were haunting and disturbing. I took to reading books that asked intriguing questions about the nature of humanity and the struggle between the individual and the collective. Each author had a way of placing the personal stories of love between alienated people into a greater sociopolitical context that shed gentle light like that of the moon, illuminating the hidden subtleties within their pages. I shivered in the heat and sweated the toxins out of my system. I wrote songs for ghosts. I remembered things I'd intentionally forgotten as everything I'd ever known flowed through the pores of my skin. At last I realized that I may have changed my "fate" but the death that had been meant for me would now have to move through me. I would have to feel it. I would have to suffer, think, ask questions, remember, sweat, cry, and be humbled by the fragility of my body's little system. And now I have taken leave from my sick bed to spend the small amount of energy I have regained to write if for no other reason that to prove that I am in fact still living.