Four Points

As a writer, it feels like an accomplishment when an evil man like Liam T. Yore is so threatened by your eloquence that he tries to have you put in jail for a poem. Yes, Liam succeeded in having a judge revoke my first amendment right to call his barbaric behavior "sexual assault." While I am still of the opinion that it was, because well, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's a fucking duck.... I will change my language to confront what he did to me in different terms. Since he was my doctor at the time, I will call it patient abuse. Since he himself has blogged that mental health patients are "Just Crazy" and "are last on the list for a reason" (http://allbleedingstops.blogspot.com/2016/02/a-better-way-to-think-about-altered.html),

I am also going to call it a stigma-based bias-motivated hate crime. Furthermore, I am going to assert that I agree with the international criminal courts in referring to forced nudity as a form of torture (https://www.justsecurity.org/31325/forced-nudity-international-law-practice/), and given that ER best practices guidelines banned the practice in 2005, I am also going to call it willful ignorance and medical malpractice ( http://www.ndrn.org/images/Documents/Issues/Community_integration/NDRN_emergency_standards_all_together.pdf).

So, you win Liam. I won't call the action of forcibly removing my clothing and using my stigmatized disability as an excuse, a sexual assault. I will no longer call you a sexual predator. I will call you a bigot. Is that better? 

And now for another piece I call "Four Points". I wonder how long it will take little Liam to call the cops because he is such a coward that he can't handle a 90lb girl's poetry.

Four Points

These heavy chains were forged to contain me

blankets woven to keep me warm

walls that lock with doors to confine me

they'll call it "safety" while doing me harm

As commodities go, compassion's expensive

and people like me, we don't get to complain

expected to sink deeply into our station

they  just don't see us as real human beings

Tears fall and dry on our faces like rain-drops

but crying no longer brings any relief

they'll act like I'm making mountains of mole-hills

they're too numb inside to understand grief

Making my fears so much more real than ever

triggering memories of the abuse

once you know trauma, you'll know it forever

trying to stand up, but there's just no use

Stigma's a mountain-top I cannot summit

the other side's always where I want to be

but prejudice, it comes with my diagnosis

therapy never brought any relief

I think I struggle because the world's ugly

I have been bullied and beaten and shamed

I'm just reacting to all that I'm seeing 

calling out bigots to ruin their names

You feel the same things that I do but keep them

just under your breath so that no-one will hear

all I have done is adjusted my volume but

when I speak up they just react with fear

I'm not the person they've made me out to be

they treat us like we're all one and the same

like I should be judged on the actions of others

and categorized and dismissed as insane

Don't they realize that we're people with feelings

our bodies hurt just like everyone else

four-point restraints and disrobement by force

tortured and brutalized, libeled, defamed

When were they over-turned, our human rights

they were taken away and I wasn't aware

so now we must fight to remind cops and doctors

that reliving trauma should not be called "care." 

Nightmare Man (for Dr. Liam T. Yore)

Nightmare Man

Strong is the privilege
of your masculinity
you did what you did
and you did it to me
and from your vantage point
you have the right to disagree
about my right to have a say
in what is done to my body

and your status is above me
and you don't like the word no
I'm expected to submit
just nod my head, do what I'm told
but I just shrink inside recoiling
from the ugliness I see
in the eyes of my abuser
staring holes right into me

how dare you look upon me
like you're capable of knowing
who you perpetrate your crime against
as if all of me's showing
see there's no amount of naked
that could teach you what I know
no extent of violation that
I cannot use to grow

and I'm soaring far above you
it could be dissociation
or it could be that I know
you cannot kill my inspiration
not my passion, or my kindness,
not my child-like demeanor
yes, you're a nightmare man
but I'm a master lucid dreamer

*I dedicate this poem to Dr. Liam T. Yore, the man who when trusted with my care, instead acted with an utterly perverse type of cruelty by using sexual humiliation to intimidate me after requesting ADA compliance for a serious allergy. I was not only physically harmed by this vicious assault on my body, privacy, humanity, and legal rights under the law; I was also so traumatized I have been terrified to seek medical attention when I have needed it since, which has compromised my health in serious ways. As of yet, Providence hospital has taken no meaningful action to discipline this twisted individual, or protect other women who are vulnerable to his attacks, which he justified because I was suffering from depression over a serious medical condition. Yes, I struggle with depression and anxiety. That does not entitle any man to rip my clothing off, even if he is a doctor. What he did to me was horrifying, unethical, and a violation of the law. I am a human being, and what he did was utterly inhumane. If Providence hospital continues to employ this monster, they are sending the message that some patients do not qualify for the Hippocratic Oath because they have the wrong kind of medical condition. I was his patient, and yet, he smiled as I sobbed and begged for mercy. He is also a man who enjoys violence, makes it his hobby, and blogged about how important it is for doctors to emotionally detach to make it easier to hurt their patients. This is a very sick man, who at the very least should be suspended without pay pending psychological evaluation for his discrimination against women, as well as people with depression, and for his obvious violent tendencies and aggressive behaviors. I can say this with certainty, regardless of whether or not Dr. Yore was ever prosecuted for sexual assault, you will never convince me that being held down and having my clothes ripped off wasn't just that.

Questions

Can I find acceptance for
the things that make me ill?
Can I just imagine that
these dreams I have are real?
Can I face injustice knowing
it may never change?
Can I learn to normalize
the things that I find strange?

Will I find a place in this world
full of broken hearts?
Will I end my suffering
and make a brand new start?
Will I make the best of
opportunities I'm given?
Will those who have hurt me find
that they have been forgiven?

Is there anything that I can say
I know for certain?
Is my puppet master hiding
behind a black curtain?
Is my will my own?
Am I controlled
by my own thoughts?
Is there anything I want
to be that I am not?

I have many questions
and I'm searching for the answers.
Doubt can rise and grow inside
like some rare form of cancer.
But it's in the asking that
we find all that we need.
Thinking that we'll ever know
is a foolish thought indeed. 
 

how it goes

underneath my skin
that's where everything
begins to feel so gray
no way to know
which way to go
from here so I'll just stay
inside this time
so I might find
some peace
inside my fragile mind
and look within
till I begin
to love
what I find there
it isn't fair
their cruelty
reflects upon
my self respect
it's cold and dark
inside my heart
sometimes I wish
for death
but then my breath
brings oxygen
to every limb
and my heart beats
again and then
my blood it flows
that's how it goes
everyone knows
that's how it goes
and goes and goes

we feel sorrow
and letting go
is easier said
than it's done
now I've begun
to rise up from
the ashes
and to spread
my wings
my favorite things
these words
are strings
that tie me to
my conciousness
so I confess
I let my stress
take over
when I should have
stopped
and given though
there is a lot
that I don't know
that's how it goes
and goes and goes
that's how it goes
and goes and goes

Prison Walls

the way the light is bent just right
it's shaped just like a coffin
you can chain my hands and feet
but you can't box my thoughts in
righteous indignation is
the crime that I will plead to
and systematic failures are
the veils that I must see through

your testament is ugliness
your hatred unbecoming
you are ignorant of all
the concepts that you're shunning
I am not your little bitch
I don't have to obey you
I am grateful to be free
from that which has enslaved you

prison walls can block the sun
but not the human spirit
they can preach and screech at you
but you don't have to hear it
I may be afraid sometimes
but that is not a weakness
I'll hold colors in my mind
to fight against this bleakness

popularity is not the thing I'm here to find
I just need some time to sort
some shit out in my mind
I will find resolve in being
who I've always been
there is no sword mightier
than this here little pen

this cell has a resonance
that makes my voice feel stronger
still I don't know that I can
take being here much longer
I will make my point
and lay myself down for my cause
for justice has nothing to do
with their misguided laws

 

Everything at Once

anger left unpurified
reborn into this form of mine
trying hard to leave it all behind

there's no self just particles
of karmic debt left to unfold
trying hard to just let it all go

maybe trying is the problem
I'm too focused on resolving
matters that effort can never change

I just need to sit and breathe
and find the faith to just believe
things will turn out how they're meant to be

then anger rises up again
I wish that I could be more zen
as my pulse races beneath my skin

sometimes I wish that I could cry
but when I do I want to die
pressured to just keep it all inside

I am everything at once
I'm the universal dunce
in my corner staring at the world

the only certainty is death
but here and now I find my breath
eyes half open looking at it all

 

sleep

Sleep is the frustrated twin of death
but when you wake
you have to deal with life again
and that is hard to take
I guess that's why the mornings are
the times that I dread most
'cause being in this body has
nothing on being a ghost

when I was a child I said
a prayer before I slumbered
that god would come and take my soul
should I die while I am under
but in truth my trust in him
had already been shaken
and nightmares of his creepy hands
would force me to awaken

I will never lose myself
because in dreams I see
that all of my experience
paints my reality
and underneath my consciousness
a spectacle of lights
illuminates a syncopated
version of my life

Gratitude

I'm afraid to write about
the things I'm feeling anymore
to admit defeat is harder
than all that I've done before
my pen has been silent
not because the words won't come
I've fought them off by any means
just to avoid emotions

sometimes I get the feeling that
what I say no one hears 
and my voice isn't strong enough
to be worthy of human ears
so I watch tv and look for
anything to slow my thoughts
but no matter how I hide
the spinning wheel never stops

I dream about the kind of person
that I might have been
if only I had had support
from family and friends
but I've found that even when
I am feeling so alone
my stereo can soothe me with
words that came through microphones

I can feel so overwhelmed
from PTSD bullshit
it can be so hard for me
to let anyone else in
or change the idea  I have
that love is just too dangerous
usually it is because
I'm bad at knowing who to trust

I don't eat or sleep enough
I'm trying to feel worthy
and finally stop the bleeding from
the wounds from those who've hurt me
and I find strength in poetry
artfully set to the music
uniting body, mind and soul
as I sing and move to it

now I'm feeling gratitude
for all the pens and paper
expressing all of the attitudes
that my self can relate with
I know I can't avoid it now
so I sit down and write
for strangers who are struggling
with lonely thoughts.... awake all night

Common Ground

you don't know a thing about me
don't go 'round pretending that you do
I might want to know about you
if it weren't for your bad attitude
but I don't know a thing about you
'cause I never walked 'round in your shoes
and you don't know a thing about me
so don't go assuming that you do

just sit down and talk a while
maybe we could find
common ground and a friendly smile
I might just change your mind about me

you don't know a thing about
the places I have been or things I've seen
you don't know how I feel but
I guess that's no surprise 'cause you're not me
I couldn't begin to know what
life inside your skin consisted of
but like you I am worthy of compassion
respect, decency and love

so sit down and talk a while
maybe we could find
common ground and a friendly smile
I might just change your mind

May Come After

a poet's got to speak the truth
no matter what the cost
dropping words of wisdom
taking back the things we've lost
many of them dying young
because they bare the weight
of being driven to profess
what everyone's afraid to say

living by the word can mean
admitting when you're wrong
and digging way down deep to find
the rhythm of your song
and if you cannot trust yourself
you'd best be turning around
because lying to yourself
resonates within your sound

but don't be turning back
unless you're sure you've given up
maintain your own perspective
never let them shut you up
those who've gone before you
show you that it can be done
the supersonic power
that runs through us makes us strong

now I can't say what may come after
but here and now there's joy and laughter
the past is not a place to dwell
the future nothing but a wishing well
I'm a juju bee in the place to be
the ones I love bring out the good in me
I am exactly who I want to be
intergalactic planitary





(RIP MCA 5/4/12)

Bird Song

wild bird in captivity feels

 a certain anxiety when

all he wants is to be free

the way all birds were born to be

as he looks up to the sky he

can't help but fantasize that

maybe in his next born life

he'll have not only wings but flight

... and not feel the expectation

to subdue his aviation

his feathers in the wind

to end is to begin again

among the most amazing things

how quickly life can change

took a buckshot to the wing

and now he'll never soar again

other ravens come to him

he wishes he could leave with them

his broken heart is in distress

no lullaby can help him rest

but now the time's approaching

to leave behind his poaching

return to earth and then he

will be reborn again... repeat

Change

don't ever let it stop you
ink at the tip of a pen
something about the way you lie there
in weakness I give in
some certain proposal
promises left unsaid
fur at the tip of a lily
and I'm strong

with a smile and a nod
hello, goodbye, I love you
those things you're not supposed to do...
finish my sculpture with
frosting and carnival music
I cannot see this place you've brought me
I cannot hear the lies you tell me

I don't buy into what you're selling
things change babe...
not because the world is ending
every book I've ever read for you
burns like fire
allowing any ending you choose

frost settles slightly on the window
the morning is still
it's quieter than usual
the cool breeze that's typical
of this time of year becomes
more frigid with each passing gust
and I'm dressed for summer

pain at the tips of my fingers
keeps me awake
waiting for something
but I'm not sure what yet
and I can't keep myself from wondering
if you'll be there when I need you to
hold me like I need you to
but don't let that stop you

don't ever let it stop you
don't let your feet get sore
things change without a warning
I can't say another word

Ferris Wheel

my mind is a Ferris wheel
where sometimes I'm so high
that I can see most everything
and I can touch the sky
then there is the middle ground
where lines can be ignored
and I can observe deeply now
this moment I'm here for
still dissension is a certainty
and so I cry
but tears are just a flock of birds
that quickly pass on by
and once again, I'm lifted
and am present in my life
rising slowly upward
watching joy and pain float by.

powder blue

there's a powder blue
little boy inside of you
and I know someday
he'll be coming back
but the man he's become
yeah he's really come undone
focused only on
the things that he lacks
caught inside of loop
of rancid feedback

He's been tied to an anchor
and he's drowning in his anger
over all the things
that seem to go wrong
but when push comes to shove
it's no stronger than our love
or the beauty that we share
in our songs
I might leave him but
I won't be gone long

he's afraid of heights
so afraid that he might
succeed at the things
his father disdains
but he does it despite him
although he could never fight him
he is way more confident
than he seems
as he follows his own heart
to his dreams

there are notes so unwilling
still they flow from his fingers
with fluidity his soul can envy
and while he doesn't believe
in himself as much as me
I have hope someday
that he'll learn to see
that their world is just
imaginary

not really here

I feel like I have been
placed upon a shelf
I want to break out of
the story I tell myself
I have been walking around
the earth looking for something
just like a treasure
and just as hard to find
I don't know where I'm going
I don't know where I've been
all that I know is that I'm
looking within again

Don't ask me any questions
I have no answers prepared
and you don't care what I think
I can tell by your stare
you could look right through me
and I won't even care
I've gotten used to feeling
like I am not really here

I find it funny that we
all feel so alone
when we could all just be
more friendly and reach out more
unintended consequences
social casualties
not sure when to be ourselves
and when to try to please
I feel so awkward
so tired of being me
but that's the only thing that
I can authentically be

don't ask me any questions
I have no answers prepared
and you don't care what I think
I can feel it in your stare
you could look right through me
and I won't even care
I've become used to feeling
like I am not really here

Shadow Puppet

I don't sleep much because someday
I'm gonna sleep forever
or maybe be reborn into a different life
I hope it will be better
I feel broken down from being kicked around
I can't afford to fight it
by eyes are holding fear back in the form of tears
not sure if I can hide it

I'm chewed to the quick, so fucking sick
of all the games
that we're forced to play so they can take
our names in vain
I'm hung by the scruff and I'm feeling rough
along the edge
try not to look at me, I'm terrified you'll see
who cares?

I'm just a shadow puppet
who's eating all their words
a broken record skipping
on all that I've ever said or heard
I can't waste any more time
on all their thoughts about me
my nose is stuck to the grind
of being who I want to be

I don't know what to do anymore
this world's out of control
ignorance is a point of pride
told to suppress what's inside
I just can't take much more of this
focus on financial success
when we all know it's out of reach
for those born into poverty

why do they love to judge
what's obvious about me
missing the context of
all that they cannot see
their constant commentary
is so irrelevant
why don't they spend more time on
something significant?

I'm just a shadow puppet
who's eating all their words
a broken record skipping
on all that I've ever said or heard
I can't waste any more time
on all their thoughts about me
my nose is stuck to the grind
of being who I want to be

Regrets

the only words that I regret
are those I didn't say
I've spent too much time on doubt
because I was afraid
I let their opinions make me hate
my only voice
adopted their perceptions like
I didn't have a choice

I take responsibility
before I act then own it
if I didn't want this crop
I certainly wouldn't have grown it
why are you so hell-bent on
convincing me to say
that I regret my words because
you took them the wrong way

compassion and detachment
aren't mutually exclusive
focusing on someone else's life
is so intrusive
I can't waste my time on hoping
that you'll understand me
while you're busy drafting all
the verdicts that you'll hand me

you tell me to swallow
what you know will make me sick
so I wash my hands of you
and chew them to the quick
I'll execute the punishment
I did nothing to earn
but I won't let you do it because
then you'd never learn

Truth

I want to see you
don't want to be you
be yourself and I'll be mine

we are all different
nothing's wrong with it
anything else wastes our time

our own perspectives
are so subjective
we find our truth our own way

we start out in wombs
and end up in tombs
why care what others will say

resisting normalcy
it means nothing to me
it bores me this third degree

say what you want to
I'll listen to you
that doesn't mean I'll agree

I'll put it simply
you'll never get me
turn my attention inside

I'm on my own path
your troubles distract me
truth is outnumbered by lies

the notions your selling
seem overwhelming
I can't keep up with their pace

why sell my self short
just to conform
saving, not showing my face

I would prefer if
you'd be mature and
take our nuances as such

show some compassion
it's all I'm asking
why does it feel like too much?

Spoonfuls

enough is enough
quit your bitching and change it
if you hate your life
why don't you rearrange it
projecting your shit onto me
is an excuse
to keep you from looking
at what is wrong with you

you're just a princess
who won't lift a finger
allowing resentment
to fester and linger
you look in the mirror
and hate what you see
so now you are pushing
your ugly on me

you view my happiness
like a slight against you
I've always wondered
what I have done to you
you are so cold
and so hard to be around
you went out hunting
for the misery you found

you behave like you
exclusively feel pain
victim of everyone
never share the blame
dishing out spoonfuls
of hostility
while you refuse helpings
of kindness from me

at this point I just wish
somebody would deck you
'cause all that they do
is coddle and protect you
so you get away with
the things that you do
and spread all your darkness
to those around you

Intangible

trying to talk to them is like
floating in the ocean
their current carries me far
from the place where I began
I could swim against it
but it's stronger than my thin arms
and I am in so deep now that
my feet can't find the sand

I am getting closer to
who I have longed to be
but confidence is threatening
to insecurity
every time I get to feeling
good about myself
judgment comes a flooding in
from everybody else

we get what we ask for
all our thoughts and words have weight
love and lust and loneliness and
hope and fear and hate
floating in the air filling the spaces
between things
making each of us connected
to all living beings

I have just one obstacle
that always holds me back
I've so much to offer but
it's money that I lack
people act like poetry
is just symbolic trash
while they pursue their "power"
through the false idol of cash

there's no amount of coffee that
could help me right now
exhausted from not sleeping and
my body's shutting down
I'm just grateful that in my dreams
there will always be
a better life than what I have
in this reality

we get what we ask for
all our thoughts and words have weight
love and lust and loneliness and
hope and fear and hate
floating in the air filling the spaces
between things
making each of us connected
to all living beings